On a lighter note...

• Private Equity A-Z

  A is for…

  Asset strippers and / or Alchemy, a former private equity investor. According to the Governor of the Bank of England Alchemy was doomed to failure.

  B is for…

  Business Plan. Expansive and unrealistic document.

  C is for…

  Carried interest. The percentage of the profit on a transaction that goes to the partners of the PE firm. Known as 'carry' as in 'too much money to carry'.

  D is for…

  DCF analysis. Deceit by Computer Fraud. A highly scientific and extremely unreliable method of valuing companies. Also: Due Diligence. The (sometimes optional) process of finding out what you're buying. Ideally before you buy it. And: Debt - means of postponing pain recently very popular with the UK Government and others.

  E is for…

  Exit. The only door a VC can see.

  F is for…

  Forensic accounting, fraud and foolishness. Private Equity hot topics from 2006 and 2007.

  G is for…

  Government. Major source of troubled companies.

  H is for…

  Hockey stick. Every self-respecting business plan (see B) should have one. Shows the smooth line progression from heavy start-up loss to Microsoft-levels of profitability that is every start-up's birthright. Hockey sticks are useful for beating management over the head with when they do not happen.

  I is for…

  Internet. The medium by which a number of stupid and unlikely people have made millions. And lost them again. To be approached with caution. Also: Incubator. Where teenagers lecture entrepreneurs on the facts of business life (how much they can sell their Pokemon cards for; the latest Teletubby stories etc.). Would-be investment executives work at incubators until they are old enough to join a proper firm.

  J is for…

  Jersey - where many VC funds are domiciled. Because they like the weather.

  K is for…

  Kindergarten. See Incubator.

  L is for…

  Loadsa money. Also see A, C, G and P. A recurring (aspirational) theme. Also: Lawyers. A necessary evil. Apparently.

  M is for…

  Management. To be blamed for poor investments. Also: Moulton. To be praised for excellent investments.

  N is for…

  NPV - No Positive Value. Another widely used and largely useless valuation technique. Also: non-executive director. The excuse a VC makes for charging extortionate annual fees for a monthly visit. During this visit they will (a) eat your biscuits, (b) drink your coffee (c) use your toilet (d) tell you to 'work harder' and (e) ask for directions to the exit (also see E).

  O is for…

  Overleverage. The natural state of megafund portfolio companies. Recently the nation too.

  P is for…

  Private Equity - VCs like to keep private just how much equity they own. Also: Portfolio Company. Like children - cute to look at in the early stages, then they start spending your cash and ruining your records, before you finally lose patience with them and boot them out of the family home.

  Q is for…

  Question. Outmoded practice discarded because of its ability to prevent deals in 2006 and 2007. Returning to fashion.

  R is for…

  Rest in Peace or Relax in Prosperity. (See A)

  S is for…

  Ski trip. Winter activity for many megafund personnel.

  T is for…

  Trade sale. What a VC tells his investment committee when he can't think how to exit a deal Also: Terrible deals. What the competition does.

  U is for…

  Unions. A VCs greatest ally. Particularly helpful in restructuring dying businesses to meet the needs of the market economy. We are all capitalists now.

  V is for…

  Venture Capital. Continuous revisiting of hope versus experience in investments. Also: Vendor - the most powerful participant in an overfunded private equity market.

  W is for…

  Warranties and indemnities. A guarantee (backed up with financial penalties) from the vendor to say they have been honest guv. Useful in negotiation with vendors. Also: Window of opportunity. What a management team always promises. Not to be confused with defenestration - what happens to a management team when the window of opportunity fails to materialise.

  X is for…

  As in ex-investor. (See A)

  Y is for…

  Youngster. Dot.com manager.

  Z is for…

  Zero sum game. Pleasant way of generating M&A fees.

• Industry Specific Glossary

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  Industry	Industry equivalent	General language
  Undergarment	Double Dip	Withdrawal of support
  	Person who sees cup half full	Optimist
  	In his cups	Drunk
  	Strapping Lad	Support staff
  	Hard Wired	Stiff
  	Price Elasticity	Price sensitivity

  Carpet	Pile In	Engage enthusiastically
  	Roll-up	Buy and build strategy
  	Roll-out	Branch extension
  	Carpet-Bomb	Mass destruction
  	Tuft Times	Difficult economics
  	Underfelt	Stealthy grope
  	Beating your way in	Forcible entry
  	Brush past	Clean history
  	Brush off	Reject
  	Beats the hell out of me	Profess ignorance

  Dental products	Fill-in deal	Accretive acquisition
  	Bridge	Temporary financing
  	Drill down	Analyse
  	Cutting edge	Advanced
  	Incisive	Sharp
  	Grinding out overheads	Cutting costs
  	Gnasher	Bite a woman
  	Root	Cause
  	Extrusion	Removal

  Mattress	Flat out	Trying hard
  	Rebound	Second marriage
  	Broken spring	Pain in rear
  	Product stress tester	Mistress
  	Bed down	Settling in
  	Sleeping partner	Venture capitalist